I feel you, brother. My nagging cough, sore throat, and clogged sinuses seem to have given my right eye their blessing to join the goddamn club. I, too, am wonky-eyed.

It’s that curse that I have (you might have it, too) that the minute I accomplish much hard work, my body says “OK, I QUIT” and gets sick. This time it started with feeling a little crappy, I was thinking “this feels like I might get sick.” So I upped my fluid intake, but still woke up the next day with a sore throat and feeling a little stuffy. Long story short, I am sick, and yesterday I’m puttering about my business when I notice oozing from my eyeball. OOZING FROM MY EYEBALL.

Anyone who knows me from high school might remember that time that I was out for a WEEK AND A HALF because I was sick and then ALSO got the worst case of pink eye my high school health center had ever seen. In both eyes.

So I DEFINITELY knew, the moment I saw what kind of ooze it was and how bad it was, that I had been afflicted by the cursed conjunctivitis all over again. I armed myself with Purell and went to the doctor as soon as I could because there was so much GOOP in my eyeball that I couldn’t really function. I will spare you the gory details and cut to the chase–this is my plea:

Dear Right Eyeball,

GET OVER IT. I have too much to do for you to be swollen. Your frat boy antics are really hilarious and all, yeah I get it, I look ridiculous, but gluing my eyelashes together? Too far. You have gone TOO FAR. Take these antibiotics and shove ‘em into your bacteria and see how THEY like it. Maybe someday we can be friends again.

Love,

Emily